Atty's been driving me crazy with his constant mom, mom, mom's lately. Driving me almost to the brink of insanity really. He will say it over and over again then when I answer he will just stare at me. When I give up and go back to what ever it was I was doing he will start in all over again. Today I seriously had enough. He started in with the mom, mom, mom and I snapped at him. Told him to stop saying mom over and over again if he didn't have anything to tell me. He looked at me and said Momma? So now I know that he knows exactly what he is doing and he is in fact truly trying to drive me insane. I had to laugh in spite of it all.
Today(regardless of his evil plan) was a good day. He had maybe seven seizures. Maybe. If that. Awesome. Walking better, still not back to normal but at this point it could also be due to the high doses of medicine too. No diarrhea for two days, bonus. Haven't been giving him any whipping cream, just butter, maybe that has helped. He has been crying a lot at night though and saying ouchie and flailing around so I can tell some thing is still bothering him. I am so tired. Oh what I would give for a solid nights sleep. But I know that I will some day miss even this. When they are all grown up. I was thinking about how I just want to put all of this behind us but then I realized that I don't want to miss a moment of it because if I did I would be missing his childhood. This is him. This is our reality. I don't want to miss a moment. Today he covered me in kisses. He kissed me over and over again as if he'd been missing it. To feel his love for me was so heart warming. As mothers we do and do and do and so rarely do we get in return. Those little moments make it so worth while. Tomorrow we have his two week follow up with the dietitian. She said she would be able to give me some ideas for a dairy free diet. I hope it works and it is still some thing I can get him to do. Food is hard because I really can't make him eat. I can encourage, I can be firm, I can even bribe (which I HATE to do) but I truly can't make him. So far it's only been a bit of a struggle and a lot of give from me. A lot of letting go of how I would like him to eat, my idea of a balanced wholesome meal. A lot of wrapping my head around the fact that even though this is different and way off base for me, it's working for him. It's WORKING. I mean seriously, I felt that it could...but it is. I can hardly believe it. I keep finding myself wondering if it's only going to work for a little while like the medicine. I know I shouldn't think like that but there have been so many set backs during all of this that it's hard not to. Today I felt like I could breath, for the first time in a long time and it was so wonderful. I know we have a long way left to go, but I'm starting to feel that little flicker of hope that I lost there for a moment and it feels really good. I know that there are still going to be rough days and if we end up going all the way into the ketogenic diet I know it's going to be so much more intense but...seeing him today playing a tickle game with his brother and laughing...I will do anything.