~seizure FREE me~

~seizure FREE me~

Thursday, May 20, 2010

A post in which I feel sorry for myself about people feeling sorry for me...

I just came to the realization that there are people in my life that are feeling sorry for me. Sorry. For. Me. I don't know if I can express how much this grinds me the wrong way. Empathy, compassion, understanding, care, love, support...those are all great. But I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me. There are people who are now leaving me out of things, not telling me about the happy in their lives because 'well you know, with everything that's going on with Atty'. Like all of the sudden my life is so horrible that I couldn't bare to hear about the happiness in other peoples lives (which by the way isn't me, even if my life was so horrible, I would still want to hear about the good stuff going on around me). People give me sad looks. All conversations center around Atty now. And not Atty as a little beautiful boy, Atty as in seizures. I get that there is a lot going on with him right now, I'm living it. But life goes on. Marches on. It has to. I have other children. I like all the same things. I'm the same person. So is Atty. There has to be a balance somewhere. I know friends and family are concerned and I love that about them, that they love us so much it's like it's happening to them. I know I just have to address it when they have the wrong idea about something. When they leave me out because "well you know, with everything that's going on with Atty". None of us ever expected this to happen and we are all learning together and I know I need to be patient and not get my feelings hurt, but it's hard. I can see the looks on some peoples faces when they are around us and Atty has a seizure. Uncomfortable, unsure, freaked out, and I feel bad for them. Why? I feel like I need to apologize to them. Make them comfortable again. I'm noticing, or maybe just imagining that I'm noticing the people that are drawing away, because they can't handle it. I really didn't think I had anyone in my life like that. I hope I'm just imagining it. This is the side of things that I hadn't really thought about until right now. I'm still processing it. My emotions are so wild right now that I tend to swing from one extreme to another so I have to really think things through before I act. I have felt feeling that I didn't think even went with a situation like this. Situation like this. I don't even like putting it that way. I guess I'm fight against anything even being wrong. I want to just smooth it all over, keep on going. That's not really possible and maybe that's what I need to come to terms with. We went to the park, my best friend and I, with our children. I could feel and see all the stares as I walked around with Atty. It bothers me I'm not going to lie. This isn't even going to seem rational but I feel like other people are thinking there must be something wrong with me to have a kid that has something wrong with them. Ugggg that sounds horrible, because of course it's not true. But I feel it, and I feel so judged. I saw people look away when I looked up, I saw people telling there kids not to stare and I freaking Hate it. I was choking down tears at the park. I was feeling sorry for myself, and I hate that even more. I'm just going to say this and people are probably going to dislike me now but I feel embarrassed to have a kid wearing a helmet*. And now I'm crying because that's a horrible thing to say. But it singles him out, it singles us out, and it makes people feel sorry for us even before they know what is going on. They get all weird and awkward. I guess as long as I continue to feel sorry for myself I shouldn't be mad when people feel sorry for us. Except I haven't voiced any of this anywhere else except on here, because I like to look strong and capable and ready for anything. Not like the self centered crybaby I look like in this post. I started this blog though for the real emotion, to journal the experience, and today...hopefully just for today...I am feeling sorry for myself.



I just wrote a self pity post about how much I hate it when other people feel sorry for me. Cue Alanis Morissette song now...Isn't it ironic, don't ya think...

*I just want to clarify that I am not embarrassed of my son, I am so extremely proud of him and how resilient he is. It's more that I'm shy and have struggled with anxiety all my life and don't like attention of any sort. I even hate having people sing happy birthday to me, because I hate having everyone staring at me and singing for me...I really, really don't like being singled out. Which is weird because I'm always choosing to go down the more unconventional path in life and to be an independent thinker, both things that can in some cases really single you out. I'm a bit of a complex gal I guess.

2 comments:

Kathy said...

I hear you, baby girl.
love, momma

Lisa said...

Hey Miriah... I can't totally relate to what you have shared in this post, but I do get what you are saying when people stare at your son. Caleb is a screamer. A cryer. A perfect tantrum giver. And he does NOT care where we are or what we are doing when things don't go his way. It is really awful how people stare and have that sad look on their face, full of either disgust or pity. I want to shout out, "He's not a bad kid! He's really truly a good boy!!" I wish I knew you. In person I mean. And your sweet Atty, as well as your other children, who are all so special in their own unique ways! I think Atty is amazing. And not because he can pull off the helmet look so handsomely. :) But because he brings the best out in YOU. I gain strength every time I read your words in this blog. I just know that God has such a wonderful plan for Atty, and what you guys are going through today, will only raise you higher tomorrow. Keep up the good fight my friend. You are not fighting it alone. (((hugs)))) Lisa