Sirens

When I am driving if an ambulance goes by with lights and sirens flashing it still chokes me up! My heart starts to race and I get a lump in my throat, my eyes moisten, I start to breath faster and my mind begins to race. I instantly flash back to the {multiple} ambulance rides Atty and I {and baby sister} went on during his seizure episodes. The feelings that I felt then come crashing over me again. Fear, confusion, frustration, that broken inside sensation. The non-stop begging and praying that was going on in my head, and frankly out loud at times as well. I can remember him clearly laying on that big gurney, showing how little he truly was. Looking so vulnerable. The eerie lighting, the sires sounding as we speed down the freeway. The paramedic attending to his needs. Talking to me to try and distract me from my obvious impending nervous break down. {Although I never did break down in front of any of them, I know I was teetering at moments, especially in the dark of the ambulance when I couldn't stop the tears from coming.} I would sit there and tell him over and over again that mommy was right there, don't be afraid, we will fix this, I love you, it's going to be okay. I just wanted him to hear my voice and know that I was right there. The fear that I felt in those moments of uncertainty still overwhelms me. Our lives when from normal {what ever that is} to absolute turmoil in the blink of an eye. It was so fast it was hard for my brain to catch up. I felt like I was having a horrid night mare so many times through that whole process.

So now we are on the other side, I know this when those feelings wash over me, and it still doesn't make them any less raw. They still hurt. But only for a moment. Then I glace into the rear view mirror and see the smiling face of a healthy happy boy and I remind myself of how far we have come. And I'm so glad that in the end I could keep those desperate promises.