I keep waking up with this sinking gut feeling wondering if I remembered to give Atty his medicine the night before...or it will cross my mind mid day and I will stand there racking my brain contemplating whether or not I mixed up his medicine that morning. I've never forgotten his medicine, but it haunts me anyways. I have awake nightmares {and nightmares at night} along the lines of there being some sort of natural disaster and I am unable to get him more medicine and/or food for his diet and he goes into status epilepticus. The very thought of status epilepticus (which is doctors have mention way too many times) makes my heart lurch and my stomach turn. I don't want to think about it but I do. The thought of having to witness my son going into nonstop seizures with no way of helping him makes my anxiety spin out of control. I've read a lot of stuff about having survival kits for emergency and such and I've seen it mentioned that you should have extra medicine on hand so I'm thinking I will ask his doctor about having an extra months supply around...even if I have to pay out of pocket. I don't want to sound like a paranoid freak but it would give me such peace of mind I think, or at least a little. Extra medicine and extra oil plus foods on his diet that can keep like tuna and nuts.
It scares me that there is this beast looming to snatch up my child if we can't keep that beast at bay. If there is a break in the chain, if we don't make peace with the beast it will swallow up my child and not return him. How many days...or would it just be hours...how could I face that as a parent? The image skitters through my mind. I remember his 6 minute seizure in the hospital. How the panic scorched through my body and I shoved it down so that I could count and stay clear headed. I remember ordering the nurse to get the emergency meds and as she ran from the room I fought to say in control. How every second seemed like an eternity. The words that flew out of my mouth were not pretty. I lost all control of that part as I struggled to stay in control of the rest. I remember begging him to come back to me, telling him over and over again that it was all going to be okay, that he was going to get better even though at that moment I didn't know if it was true or not. Status epilepticus just keep ringing in my head. I think of that seizure and I know that I could not endure a seizure with no end...watching my child fade before my eyes in what looks like such a violent and unreachable way.
I think I'm suffering from post traumatic stress disorder or something. My anxiety has been overwhelmingly high for about a month now. I've cut out coffee...something I thought I'd never do...and that did help a lot. I've been trying some other natural things to that have helped some, but I haven't feel this sort of anxiety in years and years. It's making me irritable and easily frustrated. Not in a way that I can't cope with but I feel it and don't like it. Mix that in with a bit of depression (baby blues? I don't know.) and I'm a mess in the inside. I know this is always how I deal with stressful situations, I react to them WAY later on. I keep it together during the ordeal and then fall apart much later when it feels more safe to do so. I already had a total blubbery messy cry fest a few weeks after his seizures stopped and I thought that was me dealing with it, but apparently that was just the tip of the ice burg. I know I will come out of this but I think I'm going to need more help...I feel sort of stupid about it but I think I will see about seeing a professional that know about post traumatic stress disorder. Just so I can talk this through with them. It better then bottling it up. I've done lots of bottling my whole life and it's not good. So anyways that's what is going on right now. Everything should be rosy because he's really doing well, but instead I'm feeling my anxiety bubble up from deep with in and I need to get it capped pronto.
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2 comments:
Getting help doesn't mean failure. It means success, recognizing that you can't do it alone. Don't feel stupid about that! You'll be helping yourself, which means you'll be helping Atty and the rest of the family! I'll pray you sleep better, and the anxiety goes away!! ((hugs))
What you are feeling sounds COMPLETELY NORMAL and I would expect it from any mother. I think all of those nightmares and visions in your head are a mental way of trying to prepare you for a worst case scenario. It isn't pleasant but I hear many mothers do this. I know I do, and I haven't just been through what you have. If it is bordering on anxiety or you are loosing sleep, DEFINITELY talk to someone about it. You have been through so much. It is okay to get some help for yourself, ya know? IT IS! And necessary. You are a busy momma!
I say, prepare an emergency kit if it will make you feel better. It doesn't sound crazy to me it sounds smart. Especially if it helps ease the anxiety.
As far as the meds go maybe you should make a mark on the calendar every day after you give Atty his meds so that if you can't remember if you gave them to him or not you can take a peek at the calendar and see. That might help too.
And for goodness sake, go easy on yourself!!!! You are doing a wonderful job. You have been through so much!!! I wouldn't be surprised if you had Post Traumatic Stress. Keep an eye on it and definitely talk to someone if it doesn't get better!
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