~seizure FREE me~

~seizure FREE me~

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

self doubt is a horrible thing

Had an appointment with his dietitian today. I really like her. Since Atty can't start the ketogenic diet until the end of next month we are starting him on a modified Atkins diet. Some children with seizures respond really well to this modified type of the popular diet. Some don't ever end up going to the ketogenic diet because the modified Atkins does the trick. If only we were so lucky, one can hope right!?! It's a lot easier then the other one that's for sure! This one is more forgiving and takes less weighing of food. It's unlimited fats and certain proteins. He can only have 15 grams of carbs a day though! So 5 grams at each main meal, or split up in the meals and snacks to equal 15 grams total. It's not a lot. 1/2 cup of strawberries would equal 5 grams. Or 1/2 cup of low starch cooked veggies. I am suppose to get him to eat/drink lots of heavy whipping cream, it's a main component in the ketogenic diet and this one as well. We are starting the diet for real tomorrow but tonight I tried my hand at making him a diet meal...and I failed miserably. I was in a rush because it was a crazy busy long day and I had to run to the store after getting home from his appointment to get him some of the food he requires and drop off a ton of prescriptions for sugar free meds so dinner was running late. I cooked him his hot dogs (he is only eating hot dogs, scrambled eggs and bananas for the most part right now, won't even try anything else) and then I figured out how many fries he could have (two) and how much peas (1/4 cup) to equal 5 grams of carbs total and I was super proud of myself. I hate measurements and math and numbers...so this whole part of the diet is a nightmare for me. (Not like I can't do it, I just don't like to. I get total mind block when it comes to any sort of math, so irritating.) I made him a heavy cream/water/vanilla extract drink (one of the suggestions for getting the kids to take the cream) it's suppose to make it more like milk. We sit down and I am feeling pretty good about it for about two seconds. Until I realize that the veggies I gave him are not on the list. They are both considered high starch vegetables and not one of the options for him. Uggggg! Then I try to get him to drink the cream, and he is sooooooooooo not having it!! Major fail, at least I didn't have to track this one. I definitely need to do some more studying and experimenting. Tomorrow is the real thing, so I need to get my game face on! I think I'll just stick to scrambled eggs, bacon and banana that's on the list and I can hide cream in the eggs (I hope). Truthfully I am so scared that I am going to fail. That I can't hack it and they will be able to tell what a loser I am. Maybe I'm too stupid to do this, too overwhelmed, too worn thin. I so feel like I could give up. I hate that. I always jokingly say 'just fake it tell you make it' but there is no faking this. No faking. I can't make Atty eat things he doesn't want to eat. Do I have a good enough imagination, am I observant enough to tell what will work best for him, to get him to eat what he needs to eat to make this diet work? I feel strongly that this is what he needs...I know it is...but can I make it work? Am I strong enough. Brave enough. Wise enough. I feel so much doubt right now on the inside. On the outside I have been putting on such a brave face, a real can do attitude, but it's a whole different thing when it gets quiet and dark and I have time to think with no one else around. Today at the end of the meeting his dietitian said 'are you feeling overwhelmed' as she handed me a huge stack of papers and I said 'no I'm excited' and I was, am excited. Because I know this can work. And it's interesting and much easier then the ketogenic diet. But deep inside I am just scared on so many levels. She seemed surprised by my answer because as she went on to tell me many parents feel overwhelmed (as they should and I do truthfully feel overwhelmed with this at times) and not many say that they are excited. I'm a bit of a freak that way I guess, but also I feel like I need to stay positive because a positive attitude gets you a long ways. Even if I don't quite feel all the way positive...fake tell you make it like I said. I really did feel excited all the way home and up until I made him dinner. Then I guess that major fail sort of popped my bubble. Stinks.

Ah well try, try again. Tomorrow is another day. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...anyone else got any other positive mantras for me? I could use a pocketful.

7 comments:

Kat said...

Listen, the beginning of any new journey is SCARY. Just the measuring and weighing alone would FREAK ME OUT. But soon, you won't even have to measure anymore. You will know exactly how much of what foods you can give him. And once he realizes that these foods are making him feel so much better he will probably be much more open to eating them. It is just getting started. It is so hard to make the adjustment. It is completely overwhelming. Add to that the other three little ones that you have to take care of at the same time all this other stuff is going on and it really is craziness. BUT, I KNOW you can do it. I KNOW you can.
That being said, give yourself time to adjust. Give yourself time to freak out. This is new for you. It is hard. It is okay for you to acknowledge that. Don't be so hard on yourself. It doesn't sound like last night's dinner failed miserably, as you said. It sounds to me that you just picked the wrong veggies (it is the FIRST day!!!!) and he didn't want to try the cream. Big deal! You'll try again tomorrow. And the day after that. And after that.
Heavy whipping cream in my diet sounds fabulous! ;) Is there a way you could add chocolate to it to make it taste better? Chocolate syrup or Ovaltine or something? Is that allowed? I have no idea.
Can you put it in the freezer and then have him eat it like ice cream? How about scooping it into popsicle trays and putting little sticks in each so he can eat it like a popsicle? Hmmm. What else. I'll have to get back to you on that.

Girl. You amaze me. You really do. You are doing a wonderful job. Stay positive. And remember, God will never allow us to have more than we can handle. He is right there with you. You continue to be in my prayers!!!!!

Kat said...

Good grief! Why don't I just write a book while I'm at it? Cripes!

Kat said...

Hehehe. My last word verification was CANKLE. Hehe.
Okay, I'm going now. ;)

Riahli said...

Oh Kat you made me laugh, thanks. :) CANKLE...that's just awesome, my girls got a great cankles. ;) Thanks so much for your sweet words. I am often way to hard on myself. I like the popsicle idea, I can't put any sort of sweetened chocolate in it, but plain chocolate with stevia as a sweetener might work...I'm going to make a heavy cream shake today with his allowed amount of strawberries, hopefully he likes that. He wouldn't eat the bacon this morning and doesn't like the cream/stevia in his tea, but he did eat all of the scrambled eggs that I hid some cream and butter in so that's a start.

C. said...

you don't know me but I stumbled across a post about modified atkins you'd made on facebook due to the new non-private updates they've made where when you search a word you can see posts by everyone. Anyhow, I saw in your post about starting this diet and then found your blog and wanted to ask if you knew about the atkins4seizures yahoo group. I just started this diet with my son last week (he is 22yrs) and it has been very helpful reading archived posts, looking through the recipe files and just getting support and encouragement in general. Hang in there :)

Riahli said...

Hey thanks for passing on the info...I had heard of this site but haven't checked it out yet and I really need to.

MGM said...

Have you tried whipping the cream into...well, whipped cream? LOL! Add some stevia and it's good stuff! I can eat a bowl of that stuff on my diet that I've told you about. I think it's an awesome treat! Add a few strawberries in there, and it's good stuff! You can make this into a smoothie as well! Don't know what your docs are telling you, but the cream skimmed off raw milk is the best. Great health nutrition! Look up "raw cream" and I think you'll get lots of info!

Hang in there! You are doing great! And once you begin making the changes, you'll figure it out and get in a groove...and it will become almost natural.